1500 Jokes

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

Recently divorced Marine sniper slapped with a 1500 yard restraining order.

He is now struggling to understand the distance that has become between them, as well as windage.

Source: The Onion

A picture worth millions

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

I saw your "a woman walks into a store joke" and this is mine

A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".

"$500? Why is it so expensive?"

"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"

"really? wow! and how much for the second one?"

"$2000!"

"$2000?"

"Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type texts you dictate on a computer"

"Wow, fantastic and what about the third one?"

"The third one costs $200,000".

"$200,000 ???? What does he do to cost that much?"

"absolute nothing."

"Nothing? and why does it costs $200,000"

"because the other two parrots call him boss".

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.

She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"

A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right." Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

Not going to lie I'm a bit of a racist...

I just refuse to run the 1500, its inferior to the 400m.

Me: I can't believe it increased by 1500%.

Professor: I'm sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.

Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...

The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

Business is going well

A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and lingerie business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 panties and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no panties Ive made 500,000 dollars!'

The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle has died today...

...his wife is said to be in 1500 pieces!

I just burned 1,500 calories!

I forgot the pizza in the oven.

They say 1,500 souls died when the Titanic sunk...

But there were about a hundred gingers so it's more like 1,400 souls

Teacher: Johnny, your essay does not meet the word count. I said 1500 words minimum and you turned in a 500 word essay and a picture.

Johnny: Well, you're always saying that a picture is worth a thousand words!

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

A man wrote the IRS saying . . .

. . . "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have understated my income and have enclosed a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

TIL The most successful pirate captain ever was a Chinese prostitute who controlled 1,500 ships and had over 80,000 sailors working for her

I bet she knew how to handle seamen.

The bible says that heaven is 1500 miles wide and 1500 miles high, built out of gold as clear as glass.

There are going to be a lot of birds dying in the eternal paradise...

Hans and Klaus went mountain climbing with their mother, but she slipped and fell 1,500 feet to her death. Klaus exclaims, "Look Hans, no Ma ! .

TIL There are only about 1500 Volcanologists in the world

The burnout rate is rather high

We have collected gags that can be used as 1500 pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about 1500, here are one liners and funny 1500 pick up lines.

Joko Jokes