1200 Jokes

Following is our collection of large humor and hospital one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include 1200 puns for adults, dirty kids jokes or clean things gags for kids.

There is an abundance of clock jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 27 funniest jokes on 1200. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any laser witze you can hear about 1200.

The Best jokes about 1200

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?

The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

Wife and i need a vacation.

So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have sex we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!

Topical Jokes for 10/9

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the pizza was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of weed in it.

To thwart corruption, traffic police in Thailand will now receive a bonus if they refuse bribes. The plan affects all levels of Thailand police, from the street-level Bribe Solicitor, to Director of Bribes, all the way up to Bribe King.

…the anti-corruption program will be funded by confiscated bribes.

Lawmakers have approved $700 million dollars to help fight Ebola. The lawmakers announced the news from inside their $700 million dollar Ebola-proof bunker.

In North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has not made a public appearance for several weeks. Kim's unexplained absence has sparked rumors in the state-run media that everything is totally fine.


60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.

Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced
in US.
I've been doing my part, and I thank you for your help,

My wife asked" Are you sure you need a $1200 watch?!

I said " Only time will tell."

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

After an outage, what time does the power come back on?

12:00

--:--

12:00

--:--


What do you call a Mexican wrestler that only fights during his 12:00 break?

A lunchador.

I went down to the gym, and lost 1200 calories

Next time, I'll take the pizza out of the oven

My town has a large epilepsy hospital

Today, I wanted to do something nice for the kids: they're always so sad about not being able to do normal things. It was a $1200 investment for all of them total, but...

Who's ready for laser tag!?

A man died and went to Heaven.

He was greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He saw a wall of clocks that had names on them. He asked Saint Peter what they were for. He replied "They are lie clocks, and every time you lie, the hands move one minute." He showed him George Washington's clock, which was at 12:00, and he told him this meant he had never lied. He then showed him Bill Gates' clock, which was at 1:30, which meant he had lied 90 times. The man asked where Trump's clock was. Saint Peter said "It's in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan"

Birthday Gift

Husband: Honey, what would you like for your birthday?
Wife: Anything that goes from 1-200 in 10 seconds.
Husband buys her a weighing machine!

The Titanic

So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.

12:00 PM on 4/20...

It's high noon

How do you know if a clock's being robbed?

It's face'll show 12:00.


What's the difference between a chicpea and a tomato

I don't pay 1200 dollars for a tomato on my face.

Why would 12:00 make the best cop?

"Hands up"

My wife bought me a second hand watch for my birthday...

Anyway, better be going. The football starts in... 1200 seconds.

Today I asked the gamer what his new year's resolution is.

He said "1920 x 1200"

12:00 is the best time to catch a criminal.

Hands up

12:00 is the best time on a clock.

Hands up

Starting 2019 with a bang.

Boy O boy did I start with a bang at 12:00 midnight. Sweet bed did had to endure.

What is a Policeman's favorite time on a clock

12:00 because both hands are up

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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