1159 Jokes

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

At 11:59:54 AM at NASA:

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Lunch.

My wife said if we start having sex at 11:58 pm December 31, 2018, then I can.....

I had to stop her right there and correct her to start the time at 11:59 and 39 seconds....

New Years dad jokes.

*11:59 on December 31st*
Every dad in the world: See you next year!!

My parents asked why I stood on my right leg at 11:59 PM.

Because I wanted to start the year on the right foot.

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Joko Jokes