112 Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious 112 puns

I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone.

The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."

I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"

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So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!

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Philosophy 112, or the joke that I just told in a dream and have to write down for posterity

Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid. She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.

Bob starts taking random bullshit classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology 101, Sociology 102, and his favorite, Philosophy 112: History of early modern philosophy. He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it. Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in.

One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis. He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent escort service. He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know.

Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that."

Jim looks at him like he's insane, calls him a prude, and storms away. But Bob is confident.

Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the whores.

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People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting

I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.

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Topical Jokes for 11/2

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Alabama, a man who robbed a Subway said he did so because he tried the Subway Diet , but didn't lose weight. Police describe the suspect as armed and extremely gullible.

In New York City, a health department worker was suspended for using a robotic-sounding voice when answering the phone. During the man's suspension, his phone will be answered by an actual robot.

A Maryland man has been charged with sending an email that threatened to kill President Obama. Obama said it was the nicest email he's gotten in months.

In Texas, a man called the police after a woman broke into his home, and performed oral sex on him without his consent. Police arrived on the scene, and the man was arrested.

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A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."

 

The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."

 

The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"

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Room number 112

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.

The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."

The woman replies, "If you d*ck is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 112."

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An elderly woman is driving 17 mph on a highway

A cop pulls her over and says Ma'am, you should know driving too slow is as much of a risk as driving too fast.

The woman pointed to a sign and said But Officer, I was going exactly the speed limit!

The officer says That's the route number. You're on US-17. He notices another elderly woman passed out in the backseat. Who is your passenger and why is she passed out?

The woman says Oh dear, we just got off State Route 112!

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Infinitely many people walk into a bar

The first person asks for a beer, the second person asks for two beers, the third asks for three and so on.
The bartender gets 1/12 of a beer then everyone leaves.

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The interviewer asked the natural numbers…

Interviewer: "Please sum up yourself in three words."

Natural numbers: "-1/12."

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Joe Paterno was such a good coach...

...that after he died, he won another 112 games.

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So the oldest man in Japan turned 112 today...

His parents threw him a great party

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An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar...

The first order 1 beer, the second 2 beers, the third 3, and so on...
The bartender doesn't pour anything and say "Yall own me 1/12 of a beer"

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Topical Jokes for 1/12

The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he's not allowed on a plane unless he's accompanied by an adult.

United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai.

In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with breakfast in bed. The woman then saw he was carrying breakfast from Taco Bell -- and shot him again.

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You won't believe these 12 household electrical hazards.

Numbers 1-12 will shock you!

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Old McDonald had a farm

2.7182 (-1)^1/2 2.7182 (-1)^1/2 (1-1)

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I heard that people have sex, on average, 112 times per year...

Looks like im in for a wild day!

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People will ask what a nerd like me did this Thanksgiving.

[(-1)^(1/2)] (2^3) Ξ£ Ο€

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What are the most funny 112 jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about 112? Well, here are the best 112 dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and 112 pick up lines to share with friends.

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