1000000 Jokes
49 1000000 jokes and hilarious 1000000 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 1000000 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 1000000 Short Jokes
Short 1000000 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 1000000 humour may include short jokes also.
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- I just won $1,000,000, and I've decided to give a quarter to charity. Now I have $999,999.75.
- A fossil of a jawbone was recently found that was believed to be over 1,000,000 years old.
- Finding out a gay guy has a crush on you is like finding 1,000,000 pesos. You'll think "Well, I can't do much with this right now, but if I ever cross that line I'll be just fine"
- My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night Aftwerwards I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"
- I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity! Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.
- So I proposed a new bill to my congressman that would deport 1,000,000 Mexicans and 1 chicken When he asked about the chicken I said "See no one cares about the Mexicans"
- Watch out for a scam phone call. The caller says, You have won $1.000.000 dollars
or Tickets to an elvis presley tribute Concert.
Just press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. - You'll never guess this simple and surefire way to become a millionaire! Obtain 1,000,000 dollars
- With over 1,000,000 people infected with coronavirus in the US, I'm beginning to fear for my own life Thank god I live in America.
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1000000 One Liners
Which 1000000 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 1000000? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine. It's a pretty good µ-boat.
- How does a musician end up with $1,000,000? They start with $2,000,000.
- I make over $1,000,000 a month cleaning windows... I invented Norton Anti-Virus...
- I know the first 1,000,000 digits of pi.. its their order that I'm still foggy on
- Barack Obama 1,000,000 people showed up to his inauguration, only 14 missed work.
- WANTED: Pervy Director, reward $1,000,000 shoot on site.
- You only need one thing to become a millionaire... $1,000,000.
- How much is a $1,000,000 Bill worth? Nothing! You can't use it anywhere!
1000000 Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 1000000 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 1000000 pranks.
A s**..., an alcoholic, and a r**... are offered 1,000,000$ if they can change their lives...
...so they're put in one room filled with the best and most expensive alcohol and the best and most expensive brands of cigarettes, and they have to survive there for a week.
On the second day the alcoholic couldn't take it over there and drank all the alcohol.
The s**... couldn't take it either and decided to light one up, but as he tries to light he drops his lighter and just as he starts to bend over to get it the r**... says: "Pick up the lighter and we both burn out"
12 inch Pianist
One day, a man walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot tall man playing the piano. He asks the bartender how he got the 12 inch pianist. The bartender says, "Oh yeah, there is a genie out back behind the bar!" so the man walks out behind the bar and asks the genie for 1,000,000 bucks. Sure enough, the genie poofed up a million ducks. So the man goes back inside the bar, and he says to the bartender, " I asked for a million bucks, but it gave me a million ducks!" Then the bartender says smugly, "You really think I would ask for a twelve inch pianist?"
The VW Genie
A man was driving his brand new Rolls Royce. At the signal this beaten up Beetle stops next to him, and tells him "Nice car! I'm willing to swap you with my car for a $1,000,000"
The rich guy looks at him and says "why would I want your car?"
At this point the VW's driver rubs the steering wheel and out comes a genie. He tells him "I'd like to have some tea". In a flash it's in his hand.
The Rolls' owner goes berserk, gives him the money and the Rolls, and takes the Beetle.
He drives up to his mansion, and everybody is wondering why he'd be driving a car like that. Proudly, he rubs the steering wheel, and out comes the genie. He tells him "I want a million dollars in cash!"
The genie says "Sorry, sir. I just do tea & coffee"
The smelly goat
So there's this game show where whoever can stay in this room with this goat for the longest time will win $1,000,000. Now this goat has been living in this room for a while, p**... and peeing everywhere and smells absolutely disgusting. First, a white guy goes in and stays for 30 minutes before he can't stand it any longer and has to leave. Next, a black guy goes in and stays for 1 hour before he can't take it anymore and has to leave. Then, an Indian guy goes in and after 10 seconds the goat leaves.
Just a Minute
A man was talking with God.
Man: How long is 1000 years to you
God: about 1 minute
Man: How much is is $1,000,000 to you?
God: About $1
Man: Can I have $1,000,000 then?
God: Sure in one minute...
Difference between theory & reality...
A little boy comes home from school one day and asks his dad if he can explain the difference between theory and reality to him.
The Dad questions why and the kid says "it's for school, can you just help me out?"
The dad thinks for second and then says, "ok, what I want you to do is go upstairs and ask your mom and your sister if they'd sleep with a stranger for $1,000,000"
The kid says, "what?" And Dad says "just do it, it'll help me explain."
So the kid goes upstairs, asks and walks back down.
Dad: did you do it?
Kid: yeah
Dad: Well what'd they say?
Kid: well, they both said yes
Dad: okay so, in theory we'd have a $1,000,000, but in reality we're living with a couple of w**....
There are 10000000 people in a room
1 of them understands binary and the other 127 don't.
Decided to make my own variation of the original joke :)
i have 10000000 horsepower
If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have s**... with your mom.
And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.
A thousand years is a minute to God
A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."
Three guys are praying in front of the altar...
First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"
Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"
Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate on me. I want 1,000,000 $".
You won't believe this, United decided to buy 1,000,000 acres of land to start a farming business.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
A man sees a beautiful woman...
...and he asks her: would you be willing to sleep with me if I pay you 1,000,000 dollars?
She blushes, and replies: I guess so.
He then says: What about for 20 dollars?
The woman is greatly offended and replies indignantly: What kind of woman do you think I am??
He: We've already established that. Now we're just negotiating the price.
A zombie walks into a brain store
On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"
The American dream:
To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one
The bank denied my Mortgage application
I don't know what the big deal is. I was just asking for a small loan of $1,000,000
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
My phone actually didn't receive the presidential alert yesterday...
The bidding will start at $10,000.00.
For $10,000,000, would you let 50 people hit you?
Great! Here comes the punchline
People are always impressed when I tell them that I have $1,000,000
And that I know binary
School days...
Teacher: If income tax is 20% and your dad earns $50,000, how much tax does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Let's try again. If income tax is 30% and your dad earns $100000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: Alright, last try. If income tax is %50 and your dad earns $1000000, how much does he pay?
Kid: $100
Teacher: you don't know your percentages.
Kid: you don't know my dad.
An old rabbi wins the lottery
The man wins $3,000,000.00
A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house
She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"
The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the n**...."
The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the n**...?"
The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."
A programer walks into a bar
He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says that he must order a beverage
Pleased, the programmer leaves the bar.
A little later another customer enters the bar and orders 2 beers.
The bar explodes