1000 Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious 1000 puns

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

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How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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Boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"

She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

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Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..

Riceless

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says,

"Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

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A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

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Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

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A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A guy walks into a pub...

...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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I failed my math exam because I couldn't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help
you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

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So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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Massive trump rally scheduled for tomorrow

Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

Because elephants never forget.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

That's because elephants never forget.

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I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

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Biting Boobies

An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you *$1,000* to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you **$10,000** to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? he asks.
Yes, she purrs. I am.
Well, wash your frickin' hands, says the man. I want a cheese sandwich!

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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

..I will find you. You have my Word.

---

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A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them

"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.

The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"

She replies "I just got the first one."

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my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

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What's the difference between the Titanic and my ex?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

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A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 99.9% confident."
He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?"
The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.

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A city boy was getting ready to move to the country...

He went a local horse breeder and bought a fine looking horse for a $1000 and told the man he'd be back in a week when he moved in to pick it up.

A week later the city boy drives his brand new truck and horse trailer to the breeder's ranch to pick up the horse.

The rancher says, "Sorry mister, the horse you bought died just yesterday."

The city man thinks about this for a moment and says, "Okay, load it up in the trailer."

"The dead horse?" the rancher asks. "Yep" says the city man.

A month later the rancher sees the city man at the local feed mart and says, "Say, what did you do with that dead horse?".

"I auctioned it off for $5 a ticket. I sold 500 tickets and made $2500 and bought myself an even better horse!" says the man. The rancher says "But what did you do after the drawing?"

"Well, I told the winner that the horse had died and I gave him his $5 back."

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On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.

If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

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Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

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The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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Boss offers money for sex...

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.

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The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.

The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.

Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"

"He confessed"

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A guy walks into a pub...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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I heard hookers are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

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Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

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A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons.

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said:

"I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her,

"What went wrong?"

The blonde said: "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

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Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs around here?"

With a wink and a sexy smile she replies in a sultry voice "Why yes, I am."

The man says "Well, go and wash your hands because I'm ready for a cheese sandwich!"

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Three doctors are sitting on a park bench when a man limps past...

The first doctor sees him and says, I've been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.

No way! says the chiropractor, I've had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can't you see how crooked his back is?

Nope, says the orthopedic surgeon. I've had more training than both of you combined and I'm certain that this man has hip damage.

The doctor's arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. Well gentlemen, he said, All four of us were wrong.

I thought it was a fart!

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The $1000 Tattoo

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks to get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. The Tattoo artist is a bit taken aback and tells the guy that he will do it, but it will cost $1000.
The Man agrees and he gets the Tattoo.
however, during the process the tattoo artist becomes increasingly curious as to why this guy wants a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his junk.
when he asks the guy, he says he would rather not say.
After he was finished, he asks the guy one last time, and says that he can have the tattoo for free if he tells him.
So the guy says, Sometimes i like to play with my money, I also like to watch my money grow, and most important of all, If my wife decides to blow $100, she can stay home.

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A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man leaves.

The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?

They reply - a pizza delivery man.

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A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

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A man saw a lady with big breasts.

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000 ?". She agreed, so they went to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, " Aren't you gonna bite them?". He replies, "No, it's too expensive!".

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Kids are really unappreciative sometimes

I got my little cousin Timmy a 1000 dollar trampoline and that little shit was still unhappy!

All he fucking did was sit in his wheelchair and cry

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A guy walks into a pub...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I sure am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

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My girlfriend said that if this get 1000 upvotes, we will try anal!

Please don't upvote, her strap-on is huge!

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What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years?

Ancient grease

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A trucker walks into a whorehouse..

The Madam walks up to the trucker and says "How can I help you?" to which the trucker replies " I have $1000, I want the ugliest, meanest, foul mouthed women you have." The Madame says "for $1000 you have can the sexiest, smoothest, most beautiful lady we have." the Trucker replies" ma'am I mean no disrespect, but I'm not horny, I'm homesick"

Courtesy of my late grandfather.

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I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..

So I just submitted a picture instead.

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What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?

An army.

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A man walks into a pub

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A man goes to a brain store...

He asks the owner how much an accountant's brain sells for.

The owner tells him, "We sell that for $6 per pound of brain."

He then asks how much a doctor's brain sells for.

The owner tells him, "We sell that for $11 per pound of brain."

Finally, the man asks how much a politician's brain sells for.

The owner tells him, "We sell that for $1,000 per 4 oz of brain."

The man is astonished and asks why so much.

The owner tells him. "Do you know how many politicians we need to kill to find 1 oz of brain?"

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A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together

A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."

Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."

Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

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The Stuttering Bible Salesman

A man had just accepted his new job as a door-to-door Bible salesman and was introducing himself to his new co-workers.

It quickly became clear that the man had a severe stutter and the other workers began to make fun of him for it. But by the end of the week when the man had sold over 1,000 Bibles, the other workers were very impressed and stopped making fun of him.

"How did you manage to sell that many Bibles in a week?", they all asked the stuttering salesman.

"It's r-really s-s-simple," he said. " I just go up and kn-knock on the d-door and when th-they open it, I s-say, 'W-would you li-like to b-buy this Bi-Bible or d-do you w-want me t-to r-rea-read it t-to you?'"

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The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.



"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between the Titanic and my ex-girlfriend?

The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people

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An old couple are vacationing in Israel...

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000."

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave digger is stunned "Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?"

The man gets very close and whispers "A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her."

*

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Boob Joke

A guy has been admiring his co-worker's massive bust for some time and it becomes more that he can take. He asks if he can suck on her tits for $100. She refuses. He raises the offer to $500 and again she refuses. His final bid is $1000 and she finally agrees. After about 15 minutes of him kissing all over her breasts, motor-boating them and squeezing them she starts to get a little worked up. "Aren't you going to suck on them?" she asks. "Nah, too expensive" he replies.

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A car

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".

All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

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The difference between a rock band and a jazz group

The rock band will play 3 chords in front of 1000 people.

The jazz group will play 1000 chords in front of 3 people.

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A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to life promising them an hour to do what they will before they once again must stand still for the rest of time.

Eagerly they took each other's hand and rushed into the bushes. The gypsy smiled as she heard giggling delight and the undeniable sounds of pleasure from near by.

Soon the gypsy heard the female statue crying aloud "I'm going to get one IM GOING to GET ONE!..... Oh Yess I got it!"

To which the male statue replied "Good, hold that dirty pigeon down while I shit on its head."

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A large, powerfully-built guy...

....meets a woman at a bar.

After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite! She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite! She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, Why are you in such a hurry to go?

She replies, With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!

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They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

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The Soviet Union is marching on Finland!

A soviet commander hears a voice from the other side of a hill,"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 soviet soldiers!". So the soviet general sends in 10 soldiers, after a bit of gunfire he hears the voice again,"One Finnish soldier is better than 100 soviet soldiers!". Again the soviet general sends in his men and after a lot of gun fire he hears the voice again,"One Finnish soldier is better than 1000 soviet soldiers!". The soviet commander again, sends in his men, after a lot of gun fire he sees a soviet soldier dragging himself back over the hill, the soldier says,"Its a trap! There is 2 Finnish soldiers, don't send anymore men".

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice...

Call her fat once and she will never forget. That's because elephants never forget.

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A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all on their way to heaven

One day, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were on their way to heaven.

God told them that there were 1,000 stairs to reach heaven, and on every stair he would tell them a joke. If they laughed, or even just smiled, they would not make it into heaven.

The redhead managed to make it to the 45th step before laughing.

The brunette reached 200 and cracked a smile.

The blonde made it all the way to the 999th step and burst out in laughter before God had even told his joke.

"Why are you laughing when I haven't even told my joke yet?" God asked the Blonde.

"I just got the first one!" she answered.

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The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

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A rich man and a horse

There was a rich man that was driving past a farm, He looked over and saw a beautiful stallion standing in the field. The rich man thought, Wow I gotta have him so he pulled into the farm's entrance. He found the owner and said, "I want that horse out yonder in that field, how much do you want for him?" Well, the farmer said, "He don't look to good." Nonsense said the rich man "I'll pay you $1000 for him." But he don't look to good said the farmer. The rich man sighed and said $2000 dollars is my final offer. The farmer sold the beautiful horse to the rich man. Then one week later the rich man came back angry as ever and said, "Darn you you sold me a blind horse!" Then the farmer smiled and said "I told you, he didn't look too good!"

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I burned 1000 calories today...

Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

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A guy walks into a pub...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A Boss Offered His Secretary $1000 For Sex

A boss said to his secretary I Want to have
sex with you and I will make it very fast.
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time
you bend down to pick it, I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called
her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it
but Ask him for $2000, pick up the
Β money Very fast. So he Wouldn't even
have enough time to undress himself.
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by,
the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend,
he asks, What happened?
She responds, The Bastard used coins!

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My dad's favourite joke

Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building.

The first man turns to the other two and says: "I bet you $1000 each that you can't throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground."

Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think "there's no way he'll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000" and agree to the challenge.

The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He leaps whole floors at a time, sprints out at ground floor and sees a bunch of confused people crowded around his crumpled watch. Sadly he trudges back up to the top.

The third man walks over to the edge, throws his watch high in the air, and goes sprinting to the elevators. He jumps in, races to ground level, sprints out just in time to see his watch shatter into a million pieces. Sadly, he catches the elevator back up to the top.

The first guy walks over to the edge, calmly drops his watch over, then casually strolls over to the elevator. He takes it down a few floors, hops out and orders himself a coffee. He enjoys the beautiful view, then hops back into the elevator, taking it to the ground floor. Without a hint of hurry, he saunters out the front, looks up, and catches his watch. He grabs another coffee on his way back up.

"How in holy hell did you manage to do that?!" the other two men ask.

"Easy" says the first man "My watch is ten minutes slow."

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Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!

Girl stands up and says:
"I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"

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My son said he wants to sleep with 1000 women before he reaches 30.

I said, "Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first."

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Oh the memories

You can tell a woman that she is beautiful 1000 times and she will pay no mind to your comments. But tell her that she's fat, just one time, and she will never let you forget it.

Do you want to know why that is?

Because an elephant never forgets.

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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

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Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.

Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don't want to go deaf! To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, 6, 7...

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Three women have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven...

A ginger, a brunette, and a blonde have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven. At every step, God tells them a joke, and if they laugh, they go to hell.

The ginger goes first, gets to the 156th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.

The brunette goes second, gets to the 548th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.

The blonde goes last, gets to the 1000th step, and laughs. God asked her why she laughed at the last step, and she said "I finally got the first joke."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads.....

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fucking' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you milk a sheep?

Release another iPhone for $1000.



-Credit to my buddy at work

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Lady : Do you smoke?

Lady : Do you smoke ?

Man : Yes

Lady : How many packs a day ?

Man : 3 packs

Lady : How much per pack

Man : $10.00

Lady : And how long have you been smoking ?

Man : 15 years

Lady : So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be$10,800 correct ?

Man : Correct

Lady : If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct ?

Man : Correct

Lady : Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ?

Man : Do you smoke ?

Lady : No

Man : Where's your fucking Ferrari then ?



Edit added line break

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a brothel

And asks for the madame.

The host says to him "Are you sure? She is our most expensive"

He replies "Yes, I have $1000 ready!"

Shocked at the amount, the host quickly runs up the stairs and grabs the madame and prepares a room for them.

The man walks into the room with the madame and 30 minutes later walks out with a smile on his face and leaves.

The next day, at the exact same time the man returns again with $1000 and only asks for the madame.

Again, the next day the man walks in and asks for her. This time, the madame asks the man "you've been in here 3 times now and have spent a lot of money. Where are you from?"

The man replies "I'm from Berlin. Here for a vacation"

The madame, excited says "My sister is from Berlin!"

To which the man says "I know! I work with her! I told her I was coming here and she wanted to give you $3000!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"

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On the way to heaven...

One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!!"

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Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.

Tom: I want a billion dollars!

Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??

Genie: Done. Done.

Tom : And what is your wish genie?

Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.

Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??

The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.

After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?

Wife answers: 35.

Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie stories

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a pub..

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call 1000 aches?

A *kilohurtz*.

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I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old but still funny.

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: So where's your fucking Ferrari

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"

"ten dollars an ounce."

"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This Joke Is A Real Lemon

A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.

So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I ordered 1000 kg of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:


1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What has 10,000 feet and one tooth?

An unemployment line in Arkansas.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes up to a bartender...

A man goes up to a bartender and says, "I bet you $500 that I can pee into a shot glass on your bar while standing on that stool over there."

The bartender looks at him, looks at the stool and says with a smile, "Go for it."

So the guy gets up on the stool and proceeds to pee all over the bar while the bartender is just standing there smiling. Once the man is done and hands over the money, the bartender looks at him and asks, "Why'd you make such a stupid bet?"

The man just looks at him smiling, points over his shoulder, and says, "You see those two guys in the booth back there? I bet them each a $1000 that I could get you to smile while I piss all over your bar."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Boss and secretary.

A boss says to his secretary: "I wanna have sex with you, ill make it fast. Ill throw a 1000 bucks on the floor and by the time u bend down and pick it up ill be done."
She thinks about it and decides to ask her boyfriend
He tells her to ask for 2000 bucks and pickup the money really fast and to call her when its done.
An hour later the boyfriebd gets worried and calls her. He asks "what happened why didnt u call?"
So she says: "The bastard used coins!! Im still picking and he's still fucking!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A redneck goes to a hardware store to buy a chainsaw.

"You should buy this one," the cashier says. "It can fell 1,000 trees in just one day."

The redneck buys the chainsaw and leaves.

The next day he returns with an angry look on his face. "You sold me a piece of junk! I've been using this damn thing all day and I only cut down one tree!"

The cashier believes he's cheated the man and gives him a brand new saw free of charge. The redneck takes it and leaves.

He comes back the next day even angrier than before. "This one's just as bad as the one you sold me earlier!"

The cashier can't believe that two of his best chainsaws would fail like that, so he decides to go home with the redneck and test the saws in the woods.

The cashier takes one chainsaw and turns it on.

The startled redneck turns to him and says, "What the hell was that noise?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar with his horse

He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.

After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."

The man shouts, "You're on!"

After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"

The man replies, "I said that my dick was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today

Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill!

Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you call a girl beautiful 1000 times she won't really notice. But if you call her fat once, she will never forget...

That's because elephants never forget.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A driver is stopped by the police...

The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?

Driver:
-Well, a driving license I think?

The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!

A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.

At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?

Guy: Correct.

Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?

Guy: Correct.

Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?

Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?

Lady: No.

Guy: Then where's your fucking Ferrari?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Guy walks into a bar...

There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, Hand Job - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

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Man and his wife are on vacation in Israel . . .

when the wife suddenly falls ill and dies. The funeral director said to the man, "You can have your wife buried here in the Holy Land and it will cost you only $1000 or you can have her flown back the United States and buried there but it will cost at least $15000." The man said, "Ill have her flown home." the funeral then responds, "But sir she is her IN the Holy Land and it will cost you so much less. I have to know why you want to go through all of that just to have her buried!" The man stood up and said, "Oh no you don't, I know exactly what happened the last time you guys try to bury someone here!"

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Three politicians are sitting on a private plane...

The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: "i just made 1 person in our country very happy".

Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: "i just made 10 person in our country very happy".

The third politician pulled one hundred $10 notes and tossed it out of the window and said: "i just made 100 people in our country very happy".

The pilot laughed and told the co-pilot: "i can throw those 3 off the plane and make millions of people happy!".

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A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

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Dirty Assassin

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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What's the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs?

One was a Good Year and one was a great year

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1,000 Men Were Recently Surveyed About Women

10% of the men surveyed liked women with thin legs.

15% of the men surveyed preferred women with muscular legs.

The rest liked something in-between.

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A woman goes into the doctor and tells him she was masturbating a little too furiously, and her vibrator got stuck.

The doctor examines her and tells her, "Well, the bad news is, it's going to cost $1000 to remove it."

The woman says, "Well, how much does it cost just to change the batteries?"

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A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:

1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.
2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.

It's in the morning when a Brit walks in and slaps a $10 bill on the table.

So they go out and do it on the grass.

Around noon, an Frenchman walks in and slaps a $20 bill on the table.

So they go for the couch and do it on there.

About the end on the day, an American walks in and slaps $30 on the table.

Happy at seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,... you have class"

The American responded, "Class my ass... Three times on the grass!

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Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea?

He drown in his tea pee.

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Indian Style?

A Canadian Indian picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've

had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'

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A farmer walks into a bar with a horse...

He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.

After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."

The man shouts, "You're on!"

After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"

The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

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A boy goes to sit beside a girl in library.

A boy looks around in library to find a girl sitting alone. He goes to her and says, "Can I sit beside you?"

She replies loudly, "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the library looks at the boy in shock. He slows moves to another table quite embarrassed.

A few minutes later, the girl comes to sit beside the boy and says, "I am a psychology student. I know how to make you feel embarrassed."

To which the boy replies even louder, "1000$ FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

Everyone in the library looks at the girl, even more shocked.

The boy leans towards the girl and says, "I'm a law student. I know how to make you feel guilty."

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A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.27? What do you need $7.56 for?

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A Police officer pulled over a driver

and informs him that he has just won $1000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Helicopter lessons.

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."


At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"

The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

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Why was 110 afraid of 111?

Because 111 1000 1001

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Applying For A Job

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

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DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your fuckin' Ferrari?

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A blonde was taking helicopter lessons

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.

At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."

At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, just getting a little cold."

But before she reached 3000 feet the helicopter began to slowly come down. It crashed into the ground ruining the helicopter, but the blonde was fine. The instructor ran to her side to comfort her, "What happened?"

She replied, "I told you it was getting cold. So I shut off the giant fan.

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If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have sex with your mom.

And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.

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My girlfriend said that if this gets 1000 upvotes....

...who am I kidding? Me? A girlfriend?

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That's the word I was looking for! (Possibly NSFW)

A man walks into a doctors office and says to the doctor "I want you to castrate me"

The doctor says "NO! I will never do such a thing"

Man: "What if I give you $1000 in cash?"

Doctor: "No"

Man: "What about $5000?"

Doctor: "Well... if you insist"

And so, the doctor puts the man under anesthesia to perform the castration



When the man regains consciousness, the doctor tells him

"The castration was a success. And, since you paid me so much, I decided to give you a circumcision as well"

The man slaps himself on the forehead and says

"CIRCUMCISION! That's the word I was looking for!"

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands. I need a cheese sandwich and a chicken sandwich."

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Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane...

Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy".

Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy".

The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy."

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A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute

He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes, we can keep the girl puppy we just found.

Please don't, I don't want two bitches in this house...

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A man dies and arrives in hell...

The devil greets him " Welcome, choose your torment for the next 1000 years, Muhahahahaha!"
"What are my choices?" The man asks timorously.
" Go to each of the three brimstone caves and choose which you would endure!" Replies the devil.
In the first cave the man sees people being whipped while being forced to dig an endless pit, in the second, he sees people being strung up by chains and tortured, in the third one he sees bill clinton lying on the floor and a lady giving him a blowjob.
He returns to the master of darkness and says "I'll take the 3rd one."
The devil says " Alright, monica, this guy's taking over for you now "

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A Brief History of Medicine

**Patient:** "I have an ear ache."

**Doctor:**

2000 B.C. - "Eat this root."

1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1750 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1920 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1960 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2010 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial, eat this root."

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What do 1000 animated zombies eat?

Fraaaaaaames....

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A truck driver stops at a brothel...

He walks up to the Madame, hands her $1000 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a dry turkey sandwich!"

The Madame responds, "Well my dear, for that amount of money you can have two of my best girls and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen woman, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A boss offered his employee a $1000 for a quickie

He told her that it would be real fast so no one would catch them. He'd throw the money on the floor and it would be over before she stands up.

She was reluctant at first, but it sounded so easy and her desperation was enough to consider it. She called her friend and asked her what she thought, she told her that she would be crazy not to accept, but she should milk him for his money and take $2000 instead.

The friend called her and asked "how was it?", she replied "It's still not over, the bastard is paying in quarters".

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What are the best 1000 puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about 1000? Well, here are the best jokes about 1000 to have fun with.

Joko Jokes