10 Ten Jokes
111 10 ten jokes and hilarious 10 ten puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 10 ten that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 10 Ten Short Jokes
Short 10 ten jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 10 ten humour may include short top ten jokes also.
- bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
- So I sent my friend 10 puns hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh out of him. No pun in ten did.
- Today, I tested 10 people to come up with a pun and see if they could make me laugh No pun in ten did
- A man entered 10 puns into a pun contest. When he called in to ask if any of his puns won the contest, the organizer told him, "No pun in ten did."
- I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh No pun in ten did
- I bet my buddy a beer I could make the bar tender laugh with one of my 10 best jokes. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- My friend told me I'm ten times as cool as when he first met me... But 10 times 0 is still 0.
- What happened to Mr. Chin after all 10 of his children disappeared? He developed a ten Chin deficit disorder.
- I invited my friends over for dinner at 8 o'clock sharp. I told them not to bother coming 10 minutes later because by then it would have already been eight-ten.
- Entered a competition with 10 of my best puns thinking at least one would win.... No pun in ten did.
Sorry if thats been said. It's just my favorite pun and I thought I'd share it.
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10 Ten One Liners
Which 10 ten one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 10 ten? I can suggest the ones about tenth and number 10.
- Did you know 10% of female deer like Mario? It's one in ten doe
- Why was 10,209 afraid of 10,210? Because it was two in tens.
- Pun walks into a room with 10 people and kills them all. Pun in, ten dead.
- Told my wive 10 plays on words to see how many make her laugh. No pun in ten did.
- I ran over 10 miles today Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog
- What do you call it when 10 fathers start telling jokes? Pun in ten dad.
- What do you call 10 samples of 6.02 x 10²³ lava molecules? Mole-ten rock.
- How does Rudy Giuliani count to 10? He doesn't; he skips 1-8 and says 9-11 ten times.
- What's the best time to play tennis? Ten is.
(Also I have a tennis game at 10 today) - I tried a top 10 list of puns to get my stuck up roommate to laugh. No pun in ten did.
- Why was 10 traumatized? Because 789.
or, because seven ate nine, and ten is next. - Did I plan for my 10 submitted puns winning the contest? No-pe, un-in-ten-ded.
- I'd give wonder woman a 10 out of ten the movie was just alright though.
- What time is it after the pirate eats beans? Arggh, it be 4:10 (far ten)
- Why was 9 acquitted of the m**... of 10? There were ex-ten-uating circumstances.
10 Ten Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 10 ten you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 10 seconds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 10 ten pranks.
The was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win.
What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a v**....”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get s**...!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and p**... right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and p**... right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have s**... with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man killed on golf course
A f**... of guys waiting at the men's tee while a f**... of women were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
The Pastor's New Teeth
The Pastor goes to the dentist to get a new set of false teeth. On the first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. On the second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
But the following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what had happened to cause that.
The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much again to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 10-year-old boy and his mother. (With apologies to Abe Hirschfeld)
A ten-year-old boy goes up to his mother one day and asks her "Mother, how old are you?" and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her age." The next day he goes up to her again and asks "Mother, how much do you weigh", and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her weight." Then the next day he asks her again, "Mother, why are you divorced?" and she says "Son, you're too young. When we're older, we'll discuss it.
The next day, the boy approaches his mother again, and this time tells her, "Mother, I've found your driver's license, and it gives me all the answers. It says that you're 35 years old, you weigh 190 pounds, and in s**..., you got an F!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
10 Husbands, Still a v**...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get s**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bar had a promotional challenge...
... in which a person had to go through 3 rooms and finish the task related with each room. The person who could go through all three rooms would win $10,000. The task associated with the rooms were as followed:
First room: drink 10 liters of tequila.
Second room: Kill a tiger with your bear hands.
Third room: have s**... with a woman until she dies from it.
Many people would try the challenge but no one could get through any of the doors. Until this one brave man came along. He goes into the room with the tequila first and drinks all ten liters. Then he comes out and goes into the room with the tiger. Instantly the people outside hear vicious tiger noises coming from the room. But as the time passes the tiger noises calm down to moans and then they stop. At which point the man comes out of the rooms and says, "alright now were is the woman I have to beat to death?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**...
Three friends travelling through the Amazon jungles become lost, when all of a sudden they are snared up in a huge net. Suddenly, 100 angry looking tribesmen appear and drag the 3 men back to the village.
When they arrived at the village, the chief comes out and says in broken English "You trespass on our sacred land. You have two options, death or b**..."!
The first man thinks about his family back home and chooses b**.... Ten of the largest tribesmen come over, pick the man up, bend him over and each has their way with him.
The next man, also thinking of his family, chooses b**... despite how horrible that looked. Again, 10 giant tribesmen come over and have their way with the man.
The third man is brought up to the chief, and he looks over at his two friends who are passed out from what just happened. He thinks about how he has no family and nothing worth enduring what his friends suffered, so he chooses death.
The chief, perplexed, says, "Hmm, nobody ever choose death before". After thinking a minute the chief proclaims, "Death by b**..."!
Joke for any South Africans out there...
Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi and Manto Tsabalala Msimang were flying together in the President's jet. Thabo Mbeki suddenly said: You know what. I can throw a R500 right now out of this window and make someone happy.
Jacob Zuma said: I can throw five R 100 notes out of the window and I will make 5 people unbelievably happy.
Geraldine said: I will give government employees 7.25% salary increase and make millions happy .
Manto said : I will can throw ten R 50 notes out of the window and make 10 people very, very happy.
The one pilot looks at the other and says:
Listen to those 4 showoffs at the back… I can throw all 4 of them out of the window right now and I will make the whole country very happy!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Starting Early
There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climbed the tree in our yard and I did. So now I have a dollar!" The mother realizes her little Suzy is wearing a dress and puts two and two together. "Suzy," the mom starts to say, "Jack didn't pay you that dollar to climb the tree, he tricked you so he could look at your p**.... Don't let him trick you like that again." Embarrassed, the little girl agrees to not fall for any more of Jack's clever tricks. The next day, the mom is sitting in the living room when Suzy bursts through the door ten times more excited than yesterday. "Mommy! I just got 10 dollars from Jack to climb that tree!" The mother, in a scolding tone says, "Suzy! I thought I told you that Jack is just tricking you to look at your p**...!" But the little girl smiles and says, "Don't worry mom! I tricked Jack because I didn't wear any!"
A college student walks up to the ten items or less line...
Heard on Car Talk... (from memory)
A college student walks up to the ten items or less line in a Boston supermarket....
He gets in line with an *enormous* number of items, far more than the 10 permitted.
The cashier takes a long look, and asks him, "So. You must be a student at either Harvard or MIT, right?"
"Why yes" he says, "how did you know?"
"Well, getting in *this* line with those groceries, you either go to MIT and can't read, or Harvard and can't count."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
billy joe r**... has 10 kids...
so he decides its time for a vasectomy. he goes to the doctor who explains the procedure and the cost. billy joe asks if theres a cheaper way to handle this... the doc says "aren't you billy joe the r**...? heres what you need to do, drink a six pack, but in the last can light a cherry bomb, drop it in, then count to ten! You only need to buy the beer and the cherry bomb." Billy joe is sceptical, but takes the doctors advise. He downs a sixpack, put a lit cherry bomb in the sixth can and starts counting... 1....2...3....4....5. (places can between legs so he can use his other fingers...)
A Russian family moves to America...
...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."
A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...
St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.
The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots."
So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... Nope, CPR only goes in rounds of five."
The firefighter reluctantly goes next... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10"
"That's amazing!" St. Peter declares, "You're the first all week. Can you count any higher?"
"Sure, 10, jack, queen, king."
the old man
Some older guy was following me around at a small grocery store, always about 10 feet back. He kept looking at me and sighing. I thought he was some old gay pervert, but I was wrong. He got to the store's single checkout line just before I did. There he turned to me and told me something quite heart wrenching. He said he was sorry for staring, but I looked exactly like his son who had died fighting in Iraq ten years before. He asked if it would be too weird if he could give me a hug and say goodbye as some sort of closure. I though it harmless so agreed. He gave me a hug and said, good bye, son. And then he left the store with his groceries. As I had my few items scanned and went to pay, I was outraged at the total. It was much more than my few items warranted. I asked the cashier to explain the situation, and she said that my father said I was covering his groceries too.
Top Ten Worst Pickup Lines
10. You remind me so much of Pokemon that I just want to pick-at-choo.
9. I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
8. I misplaced my Teddy Bear. Will you sleep with me?
7. Wow, your legs must be really tired because you have been running through my mind all night!
6. What's that in your eye? Oh, it must be a twinkle from when our eyes met!
5. Did you clean your pants with Windex, because I can totally see myself in them.
4. Those must be space pants, because your legs are outta this world.
3. Hi, my name is Justin… Justin Credible.
2. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but can still make your Bedrock.
1. Is your name Visa, because you're everywhere I want to be.
On A Desert Island For 10 Years
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
The man runs to greet her, "Am I ever happy to see you."
The girl says "Hi! Looks like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" The man says, "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
The man says, "Thanks!" The girl says, "So tell me, how long its been since you had a drink?"
The man replies, "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and out comes a flask of whiskey. The man takes a drink.
The man is so happy. "Wow. Thanks. You are a life saver!"
The girl begins to unzip the front of her wet suit. She says seductively, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Excitedly, the man says, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
Three prisoners
There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted.
Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before.
The second man is released... stumbles three steps, and falls over.
The third man is released from his cell, walks out, and asks "does anyone have a lighter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor
and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit." says p**... "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
A man is feeling horrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs numerous tests that last for hours. Finally, he walks back in, a grim expression on his face.
"I have your results back," the doctor says, "and I'm afraid it's not good. I'm going to tell you this directly, you really don't have long to live."
The man is understandably stunned and struggles to find the right words. "I-I... how long do I have?"
The doctor sighs. "10."
There's a pause before the man speaks "Ten? Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"
"9."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama, Biden, and Clinton sit in a plane..
Obama looks out the window and says to the other two, "Ive been thinking. I wish I could do more to help these people; they deserve so much!"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $100 bill. He says, "If I drop this out the window, I can make somebody really happy!"
Biden clears his t**... and says, "Excuse me Mr. President, but I can do you one better." He pulls out ten $10 bills and continues, "I can drop ten of these out the window and make ten people really happy!"
Clinton clears her t**... and says, "I can top both of you!" She pulls out of her purse one hundred $1 bills. "I can drop one hundred of these and make one hundred people really happy!"
At this point the pilot comes out of the cabinet and laughs. At the inquiring looks of Obama, Biden, and Clinton he says, "I can top all of you! I can c**... this plane and make millions of people happy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a 10 ten old Irish boy who doesn't go to church?
A v**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cat jokes
#10
Why does a tiger tell the truth?
Because he isn't a lion.
#9
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats!
#8
Why did the cat run from the tree?
Because it was afraid of the bark!
#7
What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A spelling bee!
#6
What is a cat's favorite TV show?
The evening mews!
#5
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
#4
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because he's always spotted.
#3
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty p**....
#2
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?
He stole the whole show!
#1
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat?
A big, furry creature that purrs while it sits on you
The 10 Commandments
So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.
First he goes to the French and says:
"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"
"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"
"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.
The Angel then goes to the Germans:
"I have new Commandments from God."
"Ja? Vat do they say?"
"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"
The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"
The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:
"I have new Commandments from God..."
"How much?"
"Well...they're free"
"We'll take ten."
A bar owner puts out a challenge
He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop of juice out of a lemon after the bartender squeezes it. So one day a skinny man in a suit with point dexter glasses walks in and says he can beat the bartender in the feat of strength. After everyone in the bar stops laughing, the bartender says ok and start squeezing and squeezing until there's almost nothing left in the lemon. So he hands it to the man and in just ten seconds the skinny man gets 6 drops out of the lemon. The owner of the bar gives him his money and says "before you go, tell me, how did you do that? Are you a magician? Martial artist? How in the world did you beat him?" And the man replies "oh no no no, I work for the IRS."
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...
When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"
Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these g**... out of ten grand!"
"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get s**... in and you lose your faith?!"
"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"
So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"
"You jews, all you think about is money!"
4 friends in their 20s....
Four friends in their 20s go to a new restaurant, Sands, because they've never been there before.
10 years later, they reunite and go back because the waitresses were so pretty.
In their 40s, they decide to go again because of the amazing wine selection.
Another 10 years pass and they once again go because of the delicious food.
In their 60s, they go again because the quiet atmosphere is perfect for a low conversation.
You guessed it, in their 70s they go again, this time for the amazing sunset over the late.
Ten years later, they decide to go to Sands, because they've never been there before.
"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."
*Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.
False teeth.
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills. He asks the bartender what all of that money was for, since there must have been over a thousand dollars in the jar. The bartender says that you can walk away with the whole jar if you complete his challenge: A. Drink an entire bottle of tequila, B. Outside, there is an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out, C. Next door is a woman who has never had s**..., and you have to bang her.
The man says O.K., puts ten dollars in, downs the bottle of tequila, and stumbles out of the bar. Ten minutes later, he walks back in and says,
"Alright, now where's the woman with the sore tooth?"
A recent study showed that Alcohol contains female hormones.
In the study, ten men were told to each drink 10 pints. By the end of it, none of them could drive, and everything they said was hard to listen to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly Jewish woman
wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The Rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf h**...."
Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. "Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."
Three politicians are sitting on a private plane...
The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: "i just made 1 person in our country very happy".
Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: "i just made 10 person in our country very happy".
The third politician pulled one hundred $10 notes and tossed it out of the window and said: "i just made 100 people in our country very happy".
The pilot laughed and told the co-pilot: "i can throw those 3 off the plane and make millions of people happy!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman marries a man and has 10 children...
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the f**..., the priest mutters, "Good god! They're finally together!"
A man at the f**... asks another man on his left, Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?
The man on his left says, I think he means her legs...
Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.
he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A billionaire is in a hospital and needs a blood transfusion.
He turns to his Jewish friend and says. "I'll pay you 100,000 dollars for a blood transfusion. The Jew happily agrees? Excited for the money.
Then a month later the man needs a another transfusion and offers the Jew 10000 dollars for the blood. The Jew happily agrees.
Then a month later the man needs another blood transfusion. He offers the Jew 10 dollars. The Jew says "first 100000 then, 10000 now a ten? What's wrong?"
The man then says "must be all the Jewish blood in me."
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
My 10-month old
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, Straighten her up.
I looked at my daughter and said, What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up.
My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.
Frog reads a book
There's a man who goes to the library and sees a frog there, who takes out 10 books.
The next day, the man goes back to the library and sees the frog return the ten books, and check out another 16 books! The man is very curious to how the frog reads these books so quickly so he decides to follow him home...
THe frog gets homes, sits down, picks up the book and goes "Readdit" Picks up the second book and goes "Readdit!" and so on....
My dad was always obsessed with puns
So when Reader's Digest held an unfunny joke/pun contest (in which they offered to pay any pun-tender $100 for each submitted 'joke' they published), my dad submitted 10 hoping that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide and seek.
Einstein starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs to a nearby bush and hides.
Newton stands right behind Einstein, takes out a chalk, and draws a perfect one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.
As Einstein reaches 10, he says,
"Ready or not, I'm coming to you! Or, in my frame of reference, *you're* coming to *me*!"
He turns around and sees Newton, so he yells,
"Haha! I've found Newton!"
Newton replies,
"Nah, you found a Newton over a square meter, that's Pascal!"
10 ants were applying for a joint rental application...
...They meet with the rental agent and are discussing details of the property. One of the ants says "so this ant next to me is Dave, we met in university - great guy. Sarah, Jack and Bobby over there I met through work at the ant hill two trees over, we used to go out leaf hunting together - so much fun. Jackson over here I met at my Cousin's birthday where he got up on a table and started dancing. Amanda here came from interstate to stay wi...."
"ENOUGH!" shouts the rental agent. "What has any of this got to do with your rental application??"
"Oh" the ant replied "I was just giving you our ten ant history"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet
During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".
After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...
Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.
Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup
No way! You'll start without me
Don't worry, we'll wait for you
I don't believe you
We promise not to start without you
Reluctantly, Junior leaves.
They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...
After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich
At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:
AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!
The President of Russia walks into Melania's bedroom
and offers her cash in exchange
for ten minutes of pleasure.
"Vlad, a mere $10,000?
I ain't Putin out!"
My Local Library Was Having A Pun Contest
So i submitted in 10 puns hoping at least one of them would win.
No pun in ten did.
A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill
"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After ten minutes of gunshots and screams he hears the voice again "one Finnish soldier is worth 1000 Russian soldiers!" Thinking it was impossible to loose this he sends 1000 of his best men over the hill. After 30 minutes of gunshots and screams one wounded Russian crawls over the hill and shouts "It's a trap! There are two of them!"
an african politician visits an american politician.
Af: That's a big house you've got there, how did you afford it?
Am: See that bridge over there? I kept 10% of the money that went into building it, same goes for most of the roads and bridges that were rebuilt here.
Ten years later, the American goes to visit his old friend.
Am: That's an enormous mansion you've got there, how did you afford it?
Af: See that bridge over there?
Am: No.
Af: That's how.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC
Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the conversation and exclaims "Why don't y'all jump out the window and make the entire country happy?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vietnamese contract killer named Pung burst into a bar and promptly murdered the 10 people inside.
Pung in, ten dead.
This one time someone asked me to tell them a pun.
They wanted to have a good laugh, hopefully.
So i searched and thought of 10 puns for them, and told them each one.
But alas, no pun in ten did.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
10 underage jokes walk into a bar
They approach the bartender to ask for drinks and he says I'm going to need to see some ID, however, I'm an expert at detecting fake ID's, and if you have one I'm k**... you out. So he checks all 10 of their ID's, which are fake, and kicks all of them out.
Another bartender approaches and says What happened, why did you kick out all of those jokes? To which the original replies I checked to see if they had real ID's, and no pun in ten did.
There was a pun competition in my town recently.
The newspaper came with the advert. Anybody could send as many puns as they wanted. So I decided to send 10 of them. You know, the more you send the more chances of winning.
Pretty cool, right?
When the results came, I was shocked to see I didn't win.
No pun in ten did.