Funny Jokes and puns

Jokes of the Day for September 27th 2020

How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He said "screw" lolol

PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.

'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.

The man: 'not a single penny'

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald's ice cream machine

I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? 

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

We would have IX/XI instead

Little girl: "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

Joko Jokes