Funny Jokes and puns

POPULAR JOKES AND PICK UP LINES FOR 6th April 2020

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.

Now they just call me Dav.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice!

Except Chris Brown

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?

Elon's Mosque

An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Imagine if instead of periods, women had apostrophes

They'd be even more possessive.

Joko Jokes