Funny Jokes and puns

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it

I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder

They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.

Donald Trump walks into a bar

......
and set it lower

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

Why I won't carpool.

I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

What do you call a kid who finally stood up to the bullies?

An ambulance.