Funny Jokes and puns

POPULAR JOKES AND PICK UP LINES FOR 4th June 2020

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

Why is the archaeologist sad?

Because his career is in ruins.

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night.

I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, "well her brother has a mustache"

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP

Joko Jokes