Dear Customer,
Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.
-Sincerely, your ISP.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.
Now they just call me Dav.
Except Chris Brown
that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
They're not laughing now.
The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I thought it was a great trade.
Elon's Mosque
This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.
Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
They'd be even more possessive.