Funny Jokes and puns
Daily joke about pail
Jokes of the Day for February 2nd 2023
My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."
I know he means well...
When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…
Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?
Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.
Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?
Me: Since yesterday.
Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.
Maybe I should let her in.
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...
But it put her to sleep.
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...
I told her it was the dude from Sesame street
She said, "He doesn't count."
I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."
(obligatory cake day joke)
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?
I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State
Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??
Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...
... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
